The First Trimester

I make a doctor appointment to see how far along I am in my pregnancy. I haven’t told my mom, just close friends. I’m in the doctors office shaking my leg rapidly. The nurse comes in the room with a paper and smiles at me pleasantly saying “Congrats! You’re 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Your expectant due date is October 21st.” I sat there in shock. It felt weird hearing her words. I repeated them over in my head. “Five weeks and four days. Five weeks and four days.” It still had not set in yet.

On my way home on the train, I called my mom. “Hey Ma. You busy?” She coughed and said she was under the weather. “Maybe my news will cheer you up then.” There was a brief silence. My heart started beating fast and I could feel my chest rising up and down. Even at twenty-eight years old, I was nervous to tell my mother that she was going to be a grandma. I swallowed hard and said in one fast sentence. “Mama, I’m pregnant.” I closed my eyes really tight, waiting to hear her reply and disapointment thru the phone. “Who’s the father?!” she asks with a chuckle behind it.

I don’t really talk to my mama about my love life. We don’t have that type of mother-daughter relationship. It’s always been a little awkward telling her about my relationships. Especially since I wasn’t even in one to begin with. I immediately got hot in the face and felt embarrassed. Embrassed because I was on the red line going home telling my mother I was pregnant by a guy who I am not even dating. Sigh.  This was awful. I felt really stupid and angry at myself. I’m not some “16 & Pregnant” chick. I’m twenty-eight. I am an adult. Or at least I thought I was. I went home and cried.

Of course my mom had questions. She didn’t even know I had been seeing anyone. Then, BAM! I’m knocked up. She wanted to know how long we been seeing each other, where did we meet, etc. all the deets. I told her half the truth. We know each other from high school. Truth. We saw each other around my job and exchanged numbers. Lie. I am not proud to say that I slipped a message to my child’s father on a dating site. Cringe. I know, I know!!! What a way to tell our kid how monmy and daddy met. I didn’t even want to tell my friends honestly. I was really feeling some type of way of how this was playing out. I was unhappy.

By the time I was ten weeks my pants were already becoming more fitted around the tummy area and I had to wear them unzipped with long shirts. I couldn’t believe how fast my body was changing. My appetite was insane as well. I was snacking waay more during my work shift and craving spicy hot food. Hotsauce was my culprit. I was putting it on everything! I had my first ultrasound in March. I was ten weeks and two days. To see a little embryo on the screen was quite incredible and shocking all at once. I never experienced this feeling ever. Staring at it with tears in my eyes, I could already feel my world changing right before my eyes. I had a child to care for and responsible for him or her forever. It was getting more real. The doctor mentioned that my actual due date was October 21st, not Oct 31st. I was happy to hear that, considering my birthday is October 14th. I immediately wanted a girl and pictured us wearing matching outfits and teaching her so much about life lessons that were not taught to me. Of course my child’s father wanted a boy. Having a boy would be equally cool as well. Either way, I wanted a healthy baby. Boy or girl. It was too soon to tell anyone else about my pregnancy. Because I could miscarry before the second trimester. That worried me so much. I would cry sometimes at night, praying that I don’t experience that mishap. God knew what he was doing.

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